12th and so forth: 365 Reasons to be an adult

One of the gorgeous things about living in a tropical environment is walking past a tree and there just happens to be an orchid growing casually off one of it’s branches.

Charme da Paulista. Right next door to Starbucks. Had to get out of the house cos I was bored and was smoking too much. Lying in my 'entitled' moments lost its lusture. I have great ways of spending time doing nothing. They look great from where I sit.

I’m gonna blame the church again. They own all the schools, more or less, in Ireland, and they are not accepting of other denominations mostly, so it’s jeasus and all the rest. All the rules I learnt as a kid have changed as the money peados see fit. Remember when we could only eat fish on a Friday ? Remember when only a virgin man could be a priest ? Remember when married men were allowed be priests? Remember when you could buy forgiveness?

But don’t worry about it, we’ll organise a great plan. We’ll do a great job. I don’t need to do shit cos we’ll do a great plan together. This is the church teaching me ways to dissapate responsibility. Nothing ever gets done when I’m in this mood cos I’m the innocent victim. You didn’t do what you said you’d do so I’m not going to do shit. But but but, it’s bad to do something for yourself before someone else. Man what a fuck up.

I’ve come here a couple of times cos it’s easy and so central. Across from MASP, beside metro on Av Paulista.

But for me to be mature enough for this little princess I have to stop waiting for mammy. I have to do my stuff. Ted, now thinks that my day starts at 4 AM not 6. I, Lana, will get bread in the shop , I’m not going to wait for your mammy. She’s not so sharp in the mornings. Ted, I’m going to ignore you.

When I put the muzzle on him to stop his barking for 2 hours at 4 in the morning, he just goes asleep. Dad’s boss. But until then, how dare you not cuddle me.

I’m taking the WE out of I. I’m sure it’s easier in a different language. I heard Fr Reilly say a thousand times we need to work harder so I do believe I will find a solution. What he meant is that he has to work harder cos there are less peado opportunities at the moment. I’m going to get me ready.

She doesn’t know that my doc gave me another excuse. He put me on opioids three weeks ago (diazapam). In my moments which are impossible to explain I can loose thought, mind of anything and everything. For that little face up there I have made the correct meals for 4 days so that I eat right. It’s easier than control emotions when you eat right me thinks. I’ll do another three days meals in 3 days.

Breakfast at 6:00, snack at 7:30, pre gym at 7:30. Lunch at 12:00, snack at 16:00, dinner at 20:00. With these meals my body has the correct nutrients spaced out correctly so if I’m hungry I can eat what ever I want. An eclaire, a muffin, a Mars bar or whatever.

The good news is that when I eat correctly portions and timing, I rarely need to eat anything else. How else would you attract another person other than by being good to yourself?

I have created an algorithm which sizes the quantity of protein and carbs I need daily, broken down into 6 meals a day. It’s easy peasy to follow cos I wouldn’t follow it otherwise. This is to make sure the body that this mind has to guard is fully stocked on the basic requirements. Since my accident my mind is volatile. Thankfully Dr Lavery Dublin helped show me the choice and cost of each choice I can make. So now I eat easy. And Mari makes cookies.

Mari specialises in cookies. You would be upset to go to a restaurant with her cos her food is so amazing you’d be down scaling with someone else’s food.

13th:

Chilling out in Sao Paulo can be prickley sometimes. Lula just got out of jail. The guy who put him there is now the minister for justice . Tell me there won’t be some problems here now. A far right dude (Bolsonazi) who wants to hire his sons against a, now on the street the, bottom class will get a voice and it’s gonna get loud here soon. They have a habit of banging pots out of windows as their way of showing social dissent.

You gotta look at everything here with cat eyes cos of Jersons law. The cute way to make money when no one’s watching. The day you think you know it all is the day you get to see the shutters come down and you get blinded to reality.

The women are so extraordinarily beautiful here watching Don Quixote is very appropriate. A fantastic show on Paulista where they give out some free tickets. I do find the artistic drama here very different to Ireland. It’s more Latin, and harder to feel if you’ve not been culturally emersed, embraced. If you’re in a bad mood, just go somewhere out of the house . You will pass many many ladies who’s beauty will strike you and take your breath, every day.

No joke. The women here so so beautiful it’s makes the knees wobble sometimes. And they’re gonna show you jealousy you can’t imagine , maybe it’s because society here is extremely chauvanistic.

You gotta keep your eyes open here all the time. For the good and the bad.

I’ve had worse than this before, but what else would you expect in an outlet?

But it’s nearly always better over a coffee. But in a Brazilian place for the Brazilians the coada will be sitting in a tub at the till, where sits evil black coffee saturated in sugar. Bad for the soul. It’s free. Level 8 coffee is the most abundant coffee here. There are only 8 levels. Level 1 and 2 are only exported. Its difficult but great to find a 3 or 4.

But something big I am learning is masculinity. What is it?

If you were born a man, it is highly likely your body does automatic behaviours which can be classified as masculine behaviours. Just like in the photo above, Ted has to show everyone else he’s the biggest, he’s the boss. It’s the automatic we have to keep an eye on because what we learnt as a kid probably has to change as we age. Dick swinging picks up less girls the older you get.

When I was 16, the best way to get a girl was to have a TDI VW Golf. Simple. Now you gotta be a man who can show a girl a good safe place.

That’s why Mari says women love the rowdy character as a kid, but love the nerd as an adult. They think the nerd can get them a nicer TV than the guy flipping burgers going home in his noisy Turbo.

This is Ted’s spot. No matter how hot it is, he’s going in here to get his bit of freshness. Dogs not allowed but no one has said anything in 5 years. They’re all scared of him cos he looks like a wolf but he only wants a hug. Hence the name. He was a baby Teddy bear. And Mari really enjoyed How I met your Mother (on TV) and Barney. Now he’s a 45 kg Ted bear. When he stands up to give me a hug our heads are level. But he acknowledges I’m his daddy.

14th

I left Sao Paulo at 8 this morning and arrived in Ubatuba at 8 this evening. 12 hours stuck in first gear. The only reason for the nonsense traffic was everyone wanted to leave Sao Paulo for the long weekend. It wasn’t nice.

People just got out of their car to walk their dogs etc after sitting here for an hour or two, just cos of traffic lights, no accident , no mud slides.

The beaches here are quite amazing it’s quite a gorgeous place. One of the more attractive beach locations in Sao Paulo.

On the beach it’s Melita farm coffee intensidade 8. Very nice. Oh and some homemade carrot cake which goes down vwell in the morning.

But, emotions. Why , in the other person they can look so so wrong, but to us they can be easily validated. Agh. Haven’t figured that one out just yet.

Cos I went to the beach today I’m not welcome ever again to pretty two. There’s lots of emotional thingies affecting this thing. But, one coffee, then a few hours in 30+ deg C on the beach is helping keep me calm while one of us figures out what’s going on, what line has been crossed, who crossed it. Or maybe I have to be more something? Or less of something. Carrots.

Quite naturally I’m more pink than most people here. Tropical paradise it is. The ocean is amazing here, the sound, the smell, the ferocious sense of freedom the wave intensity on the beach imparts is nicely overwhelming for some moments. Over a smoke anyway.

Now to prepare the BBQ.

15th:

First, gotta clean everything before we head home.

I find it amusing seeing grown adult men walking little pretty dogs. Feels confusing in a masculinity sense. Unfortunately, his circumstances are very unmasculine. Not particularly feminine.

Hitting the water in Ubatuba is nice. It’s very clean here which can be an issue in some areas with graffiti and run down everything etc.

Everything here is stunning. So, putting yourself into a beautiful place for a few days helps see new things. There is lots of new plastic on the beach , I didn’t find any of it out of place , the docs get a lot of practice.

The waves here are really great, and there’s no beggers on this beach which is nice. If that is not the politically correct thing to say please jump in the river. Today I am opening a box on brinkmanship cos I want to be an adult and want to confront my issues with words other than fuck, asshole, bitch and all the rest.

This is a new coffee shop and I am totally in love with everything about it. It is a counter about 75cm long, no interior , no door, no wc, but great coffee. They opened 5 shops in one year . Each shop has regular queues.

But, going home to chill out now. I wish I could explain better how I saw my mate being the ultimate best husband ever. But he is a very unhappy man. Why? Cos he does everything for everyone before himself and doesn’t know this. So he should be an adult and allow himself be good to himself, first.

He has a 'silly gobshight' facade. But I came to learn he is not a gobshight, he’s just so extended trying to be the perfect husband he puts on this face in most situations in which he feels difficulty, to end the problem. Is it politically incorrect to say that the end product which ends a marriage is generally not what caused the problem, but was the result of the initial problem. So the person who receives the end slap per say, being the victim, becomes an angry frustrated person which everyone finds so easy to blame.

Remember, you gotta keep your eyes open at all times in life.

It’s catch 22. The more you do for them the less you do for yourself resulting in them being unhappy because your are showing yourself as an attractive strong person. Mark Manson’s hateful loop, you blame yourself, then you blame yourself for blaming yourself cos the coffee you got her wasn’t any good. Or just be happy that you had time to get her a coffee ?

16th

Got myself a hot chocolate today cos I had two coffees for breakfast. Want to sleep easy tonight. It is difficult to get a nice hot chocolate here , maybe cos it’s just so hot all the time.

So who am I, what do I want, bla. I am a mechanical engineer who didn’t like the work. I like to talk. I am a drama queen at times. I am emotional. I love drama. So after getting a gentle kick up the ass from my clinical therapist I’ve decided I’m gonna go the the local theater to see what Drama lessons they have. I need something to keep myself busy.

My impression from all the happiness apps is that happiness is a result, not a noun. Ummmmm

17th:

Yeah you gotta be on the watch at all times here. Now, especially after Lula got out of jail. It’s looking like he has been let out of jail by Bolsonazi to actually incite social unrest. Weird yeah. But there’s always more to weirdness than you can imagine.

The talk is that considering his sons are referencing the task force used under the dictatorship that they are actively seeking a way to bring the dictatorship back. Easy to do if you ‘have to' quell a dangerous revolt.

So for me this means I should think about whether I should stay here. Need to get a visa for my Lana Maggie. Ireland may be a lot safer than here next year.

Look, they got my name right. And it’s not raining outside. Something must be happening. I did the barista course in Senac here in SP and it was no joke but on a blind test I picked out a Starbucks as a favourite. Sounds like something Turnip would say so I’m gonna keep quiet about that.

Brinkmanship. So after spending a few days thinking about the last emotional fisticuffs I had with Mari I’m still unsure. But I’m going to send her a message now telling her what I want and we’ll take it from there.

Boomerang will send it in the morning.

Big change for me, thankfully the palavraos have ended. Palavraos translates directly as ‘big words' but colloquially it means cursing. I think the official word for curing is shingar.

So instead of protecting myself with aggressive palavraos (fila da p***) I’ve told her what I want. Now I will suffer the addiction problem, I want an immediate answer, but she’s not gonna get the message till the morning.

Politicians are generally all good at brinkmanship. But I hate every single one of them. None of of them seem like a normal believable human being. e.g. The Democratic party are trying to elect someone they think can beat Turnip, not someone good for the country. And they are all in love with the aule fella Biden. It’s ok what his son won did. Hunter is not uncle Joe. But how on Earth can Biden beat Turnip. He’s 77. He likes to touch women. He wants to undo all legal progression of grass, even though it is proven to be medically beneficial. Someone should tell that gobshight’that the Bible says to use what can be found on Earth before looking for God.

Corey Brooker did point out to your dumbness (that’s u Biden) in the 5th circus debate the other night that the elite are allowed to enjoy grass but the Blacks are put in jail cos of grass. And society thinks that uncle Joe is good for the African Americans cos he worked under one for 8 years, letting his son swallow up whatever billion dollar contract he could usher to him.

Off to get the metro now Paulista .

Two stations are connected by underground walk ways which you can see above. It gets busy busy. Everyone reads their phone on the walk cos it’s a slow progression.

18th

This carioca has been trippled in hot water cos what I got was 2 drops of dark water. Not gonna come back here.

Vila Madalena.

So for me today is a big day. The reason is I got caught up in another cycle of being down and I enjoyed excuses but I got no where. Did nothing, just smoked and stayed unhealthy, and looked out the window at thumb sized pineapple looking thingies. And I came to the realization that my nicotine addiction is extremely active. It gives me 10 mins of peace every so often.

I tried ssri’s over a couple of months. No affect. So, empty house, no big stress items at home, looks like one of my remaining vices needs to be defeated. I don’t want to be a smoker beside my daughter.

This guy is demanding a walk cos it’s cold in SP today, just 17 deg C so he wants to get out. My excuse is I haven’t eaten yet. We always hear stories about wonderful dogs, but I still never expected my dog to come up to me some days in a sulk and push his head against my leg looking for a cuddle. It’s a really cute and cuddly. But he’s not going for a walk just yet. I’m more important right now.

But on a different matter, global warming. Digital tax. Should be same thing me thinks. The amount of energy to run the world’s digital communication is relatively warm if they have to bury these centers in glaciers to keep them cool, and their owners don’t pay much tax. Like , how on Earth is Zuckerberg one of the richest guys in the world? His time should be up.